It’s been a few weeks since you first heard the news, and after the initial shock, you and the patient have had some time to process. Now, you’re faced with another big question: Should we share this with others—family, close friends, relatives, or co-workers?
Part of you both worries, 'How will they react? Will they support us, or could they pull away, get emotional, or even avoid the topic?' The patient might think, “I’m the one dealing with this illness"; I don’t have the energy to manage others’ reactions too.” You, as the caregiver might think, “I have already a lot on my shoulder, it can feel overwhelming to carry the weight of someone else’s emotions. ”
Is It Really Necessary to Share?
With all these questions, it’s natural to wonder—will sharing really help, or could it end up adding to the emotional load you’re already carrying.
You are not alone—many people have shared that 'telling friends and family was one of the hardest aspects of having cancer.' And your concerns are completely reasonable.
Different people have different copying mechanism. Some may react emotionally, while others might avoid the topic altogether, as if not talking about it could somehow make it go away. All of those might make you feel even harder.
The Benefits of Sharing the News
However, sharing the news with close ones can bring many benefits for both the patient and the caregiver. Fighting cancer is challenging—physically and mentally—for both of you, and support is essential.
For the patient, they might sometimes just want to talk to a close friend or family member as they normally would or seek support on treatment information and decisions.
For caregivers, there’s often a lot to manage, from cooking for the patient and arranging transportation to handling appointments and balancing work and personal life. You need support, too. Sharing the news with friends and family can open the door to additional support. For instance, delegating some small tasks can make the journey easier for both patients and caregivers.
Also, as a caregiver, you may carry concerns you can’t share with your loved one (the patient)—like the disappointment of unmet treatment goals or the emotional toll of watching your loved one struggle. You hold back to protect them, but those feelings still need an outlet. Having someone you trust in your network to talk to will be very helpful.
The Power of “Perceived Social Support“
Feeling supported can make a big difference for both patients and caregivers. Research shows that the support we actually feel—what experts call 'perceived social support'— —can help reduce cancer-related stress and improve well-being and quality of life.
Cancer can be overwhelming, for both the patients and caregivers, and it’s common to feel waves of anxiety, burnout, and even moments of depression along the way. During those times, having someone show up for you, even in small ways, can make a world of difference. Maybe it’s a friend who just listens without judgment, someone who drops by with a meal, or a neighbor who helps with the lawn. These gestures can ease some of the burdens
But not all support feels supportive. That’s why we use the term 'perceived social support'—support that resonates with what a person actually needs. Sometimes, the most caring people may unknowingly miss the mark. For instance, if a patient don’t want to discuss cancer but friends keep asking about it, it may start to feel overwhelming.
How to Share the News?
It’s a big step, and so many questions may be swirling in your mind. How do we bring it up? What’s the best way to communicate something so personal and heavy? Will they refuse to believe it, or be too shocked to respond? What words do we even use?
1. Respecting the Patient’s Decisions
Sharing the news is very personal. Sometimes, the patient doesn’t want to share it with certain people or may not be ready to share at specific times.As a caregiver, it’s essential to give them space and respect their decisions. Cancer may make them feel they’ve lost control over many parts of their life, so deciding how and when to share their diagnosis can help them regain a sense of control. It’s their news—let them share it in the way that feels most comfortable to them.
2. Planning the Conversation Together
So, how do you start? Below are some question prompts to help you and the patient get ideas on how to begin.
- Who do you want to share the news with? Adult children, siblings, parents, close friends, relatives, or colleagues?
- How do you want to share the news? Consider whether sharing in person, over the phone, or via email works best. Telling people individually may lead to repeated calls and check-ins, and you may find yourself repeating the same information. If that feels burdensome, using a group email or group message might make the process easier. Feel free to log in to your DewDewHealth Dashboard. You can invite the people who matter to you and share updates in a private space—without repeating yourself over and over again.
- What to share? Share the information you feel comfortable letting others know—about the cancer, your attitude toward it, your life goals, your feelings, etc. You might want some people to know the stage of the cancer, while with others, you may not feel comfortable sharing that. That’s okay—what matters is that you share what you’re comfortable with.
3. Communicate Your Needs Transparently for Meaningful Support
Sharing difficult news is hard, and people’s reactions can sometimes make it even more challenging.
Think about what kind of support would truly help and what you’d prefer to avoid. For example, some patients want to carry on as usual without extra attention on their illness, hoping others will respect that. In such cases, a well-meaning neighbor constantly dropping by may not be helpful and could even add stress.On the other hand, some patients may want more emotional support and hope to talk openly about it with someone close. In this case, a friend avoiding the topic—thinking it might lighten the mood—could actually make things more challenging for the patient.Or perhaps you have a positive attitude toward treatment and life, but you receive a lot of pessimistic reactions from friends and family members who are trying to be empathetic. This can make things much harder for you.
Being transparent about your needs can make it easier for others to support you in ways that genuinely make a difference.
Reference
Hofman, A., Zajdel, N., Klekowski, J., & Chabowski, M. (2021). Improving social support to increase QoL in lung cancer patients. Cancer Management and Research, 2319-2327 Korotkin, B. D., Hoerger, M., Voorhees, S., Allen, C. O., Robinson, W. R., & Duberstein, P. R. (2019). Social support in cancer: how do patients want us to help?. Journal of psychosocial oncology, 37(6), 699-712.Ewing, G., Ngwenya, N., Benson, J., Gilligan, D., Bailey, S., Seymour, J., & Farquhar, M. (2016). Sharing news of a lung cancer diagnosis with adult family members and friends: a qualitative study to inform a supportive intervention. Patient education and counseling, 99(3), 378-385.Wittenberg, E., Borneman, T., Koczywas, M., Del Ferraro, C., & Ferrell, B. (2017). Cancer communication and family caregiver quality of life. Behavioral sciences, 7(1), 12.Mallinger, J. B., Griggs, J. J., & Shields, C. G. (2006). Family communication and mental health after breast cancer. European Journal of Cancer Care, 15(4), 355-361.
