Every patient's needs are different — what helps one person may overwhelm another. The key is understanding what your loved one actually wants. But how, if even they don't know yet? That's where DewDew comes in. Our conversation toolkit helps you both think it through together, and DewDew makes it easy to share updates with your network — so support shows up the way it's actually needed.
As a caregiver, close friend, or family member, after hearing the bad news and processing it, the first thing you likely want to do is support your loved one. You might start searching for information online, looking for ways to help, from providing emotional support to meeting their nutritional needs. You want to take the best possible care of them. However, you may sometimes find that supporting them in the way they need isn’t easy.
Online, you might come across general advice like “show more compassion,” “just be quiet with them,” or “don’t try to fix things.” While helpful, these suggestions can be too broad, making them difficult to put into practice.
Different Patients, Different Needs
Perceiving support (feeling supported) is a very personal experience. It’s important to recognize that different people have different needs, and what works for one person may not work for another. Here are some quotes from cancer patients about the support they need. You’ll see that their needs can be quite different, sometimes even opposite.
For example
- Some patients appreciate open conversations:
“Talk openly about it instead of feeling that you shouldn’t bring the subject up.”
“Talk more about it instead of acting like it’s not happening.
- Some prefer avoiding the topic:
“Don’t focus on my cancer; don’t talk about my health.”
“Don’t bring it up every time you see me. If I want to discuss it, I’ll mention it.
- Some prefer a middle ground:
“Ask about it, but don’t obsess over it.”
- Some patients want more companionship:
“Make frequent visits,” or “Just be there, listening, and don’t leave me alone.”
- Others may prefer being treated as they always have been:
“Treat me normally. Never lower expectations.”
“Try to treat me the same way as before the cancer diagnosis/treatment.”
“People around me are really getting on my nerves; they talk to me like I am about to die. I can’t stand it! My neighbor keeps on bringing me food. I really hate the pitying; I want to be treated normally.“
This shows how deeply personal it can be. The best approach is to discuss the support your loved one might need when both of you—the patient and caregiver—feel ready to have that conversation.
❌ 5 Big Don’ts
So here are the big don’ts when supporting a cancer patient.
🤔Don’t Assume You Know What’s Best for Them
As mentioned earlier, different people have different needs. What you think is helpful may actually add pressure on them.
🙅Don’t Judge Their Experience
Fighting cancer is deeply personal. Everyone processes it differently—some might take weeks to accept and move forward, while others may take months or even years. Some patients may focus on living meaningfully early on, while others might feel anger, devastation, or grief for a long time. Please don’t judge their journey, and avoid using toxic positivity phrases like “Just stay positive.” Instead, offer understanding and support in a way that respects their emotions —for example, "I can't imagine how hard this is, but I'm here for you, however you're feeling today."
🤷Don’t Say You Completely Understand How They Feel
Caregivers often say this to show compassion, but it can unintentionally trigger frustration. Your loved one may think: "You haven't felt this pain, nausea, or fear—how can you truly understand?" Instead, acknowledge their struggle and validate their feelings, or offer support without words, such as sitting with them quietly, bringing them something comforting (tea, a blanket, a favorite snack, water), watching a movie together.
🚫Don’t Take Away Their Hope
When a patient shows hope and optimism, try not to overshadow it with worry. It’s natural to have concerns, and some caregivers fear their loved ones may have unrealistic expectations. However, responding with "What if...", excessive worry, or sharing discouraging stories can unintentionally diminish their hope. Hope and optimism are important psychological drivers that might help patients push through tough treatments. Instead of focusing on fears, acknowledge their hope, be present, and offer support.
Some challenges are beyond a caregiver’s ability to handle alone. One caregiver shared that her loved one showed signs of depression, crying every day, and she didn’t know how to help. Another caregiver struggled when her father, diagnosed with lung cancer, started smoking again during treatment. She tried to stop him but didn’t understand why he was doing it or how to help.In situations like these, it’s okay to feel unsure. Instead of forcing a solution, seek professional support. This can ease your burden and ensure your loved one gets the right help.
✅ Big Do’s When Supporting a Cancer Patient
🗣Have an Open Conversation About What Your Loved One Needs When You Both Feel Ready
In this way, you could offer specific help instead of saying“Let’s me know if you need anything” or provide something that make them feel more stressful.To make it easier to start, we’ve created a visual toolkit: 01. Heart-to-Heart: A Conversation Toolkit for Caregivers & Loved Ones with specific topics you may want to discuss, such as relationships, support preferences, life goals, decision-making, and privacy and independence. Each topic contains prompts to help guide the conversation naturally, allowing you to connect, understand, and even strengthen your bond. You’ll find it on the Toolkits page—ready to download.
💙 Respect Their Journey and Don’t Take It Personally
This journey can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Some days, they may feel hopeful; other days, they may feel exhausted or angry due to pain and physical discomfort. Validate their emotions instead of trying to change them. Also, don’t take it personally—it’s not about you. Their reactions are a response to what they’re going through.
Seek professional help when a situation is beyond your ability to handle. As mentioned above, instead of forcing a solution, seek professional support. This can ease your burden and also ensure your loved one gets the right help.
☀️🌿 Create Moments of Normalcy for Both You and Your Loved One
Cancer may change your daily routine, but when you’re ready, try to bring back moments of normalcy—like a movie night, a date night, or walking together. Incorporating your favorite activities can provide comfort and connection
These moments of normalcy can also include "Me time" for both you and your loved one. Taking time for yourselves allows space to recharge, reflect, and maintain a sense of individual well-being. Whether it’s reading, journaling, or simply enjoying a quiet moment alone, these breaks can help you both cope with the journey ahead.
To help you create moments of normalcy, we’ve also created a visual toolkit: 05. Daily and Weekly Moment of Normalcy Planner that makes it easier to start and more engaging. You can find the toolkit on the Toolkits page. It's available to download.
Reference
Lee, A. R. Y. B., Leong, I., Lau, G., Tan, A. W., Ho, R. C. M., Ho, C. S. H., & Chen, M. Z. (2023). Depression and anxiety in older adults with cancer: systematic review and meta-summary of risk, protective and exacerbating factors. General hospital psychiatry, 81, 32-42.
Taylor, J., Fradgley, E. A., Clinton‐McHarg, T., Hall, A., & Paul, C. L. (2023). Perceived importance of emotional support provided by health care professionals and social networks: Should we broaden our focus for the delivery of supportive care?. Asia‐Pacific Journal of Clinical Oncology, 19(6), 681-689.
Li, J., Luo, X., Cao, Q., Lin, Y., Xu, Y., & Li, Q. (2020). Communication needs of cancer patients and/or caregivers: a critical literature review. Journal of Oncology, 2020(1), 7432849.
Korotkin, B. D., Hoerger, M., Voorhees, S., Allen, C. O., Robinson, W. R., & Duberstein, P. R. (2019). Social support in cancer: how do patients want us to help?. Journal of psychosocial oncology, 37(6), 699-712.
Ray, C. D., Manusov, V., & McLaren, R. M. (2019). “Emotional support won’t cure cancer”: Reasons people give for not providing emotional support. Western Journal of Communication, 83(1), 20-38.
Vodermaier, A., & Linden, W. (2019). Social support buffers against anxiety and depressive symptoms in patients with cancer only if support is wanted: a large sample replication. Supportive Care in Cancer, 27(7), 2345-2347.
Zabalegui, A., Cabrera, E., Navarro, M., & Cebria, M. I. (2013). Perceived social support and coping strategies in advanced cancer patients. Journal of Research in Nursing, 18(5), 409-420.
Theofilou, P., & Panagiotaki, H. (2012). A literature review to investigate the link between psychosocial characteristics and treatment adherence in cancer patients. Oncology Reviews, 6(1).
Drageset, S., Lindstrøm, T. C., Giske, T., & Underlid, K. (2012). “The support I need”: Women’s experiences of social support after having received breast cancer diagnosis and awaiting surgery. Cancer nursing, 35(6), E39-E47.
Kvåle, K. (2007). Do cancer patients always want to talk about difficult emotions? A qualitative study of cancer inpatients communication needs. European Journal of Oncology Nursing, 11(4), 320-327.
