No matter how you received the news, your reactions are valid. Understanding the emotions you and your loved one are experiencing is the first step to providing meaningful support.
Maybe it was just an ordinary day. Your partner came home and tried to tell you something but couldn’t get the words out. After several attempts, you finally learned they had cancer. Or maybe you drove your parent to a doctor’s appointment, only to hear the words, "Your parent has cancer."
Perhaps it was an emergency visit with your family, and the doctor informed you that a loved one had cancer—while they were unconscious and unaware.
No matter how you received the news—whether you heard it after the patient was told, learned it alongside them, or were the first to hear—it’s devastating!
You (Caregiver) Are Not Alone: Reactions and Emotions
You may feel shocked, sad, or even angry—all those emotions are valid, and you are not alone. Many caregivers experience similar feelings. Here are some stories from caregivers who have walked this journey:
“I said, ‘What’s going on?’ He goes, ‘Well’ he said - he couldn’t tell me! So, he pulls this card out of his pocket, and he handed me this card and here it has Med Plus Cancer Center on the top of it with Dr. xxx’s name, address, you know, the address of the cancer clinic, and I’m looking at this and I’m. I’m looking up at him and I’m… I’m going, ‘Cancer!?’’ I’m thinking, oh, my God, that’s the worst news that I could hear, other than somebody coming up to the door and telling me that he’s dead, you know?”
“The EMTs were taking her away, and then the nurse gave me a huge hug and then she told me…she said “Good luck.” And I said, “Well, what’s wrong?” She said, “We think it’s leukemia.” So then I knew and I didn’t say anything. I cried my eyes out as I drove home, just me and my infant daughter you know. And I’m like “Now, what do I do?”
“After that appointment we were on our way home, we actually couldn't speak to each other. We arrived home and her daughter and family were at home and I couldn't speak to any of them and went into a separate room. My first emotion was anger, I was very angry at everybody. I was angry at my sister because she laid in her bed.”
These emotions serve as part of your protective mechanism, shielding you from the full weight of the pain. By understanding these emotions and where they come from, you can better manage them as you support your loved one.
The Patient’s Perspective: The Two-Stage Trauma
Sometimes, when patients hear the news for the first time, they may be completely alone, perhaps during a routine visit or even over the phone from their doctor. They might believe a mistake has been made, or they may feel numb and shocked at first, then sad and devastated. On top of this, they also have to consider how to break the news to their family.
Many patients describe the diagnosis as a two-stage trauma: first, absorbing the news themselves, and second, conveying it to their spouse or someone else close to them.Understanding what cancer patients feel during this moment is essential for building empathy and strengthening the support you provide as a caregiver. As some patients shared their feelings:
“…at the end of that I had this numb feeling. The feeling (after hearing the diagnosis) came over me and that was about all I felt. I just kind of digested what he (the doctor) was saying without a reaction.”
“I was down there probably halfway through the first week of chemo before I even realized - well, you know, before it really sunk in. Like holy man, I’m sick! And oh, I can’t change my mind on anything now because they’re already pumping drugs in me!”“Why me? Who is guilty for this illness? When and how did the disease start? Will treatment be effective? What can I expect from the whole situation? Am I going to die? What will happen to my family?” “Diagnosis is not correct. This is not possible and that cannot happen to me. Everything is like a bad dream.”
Especially for patients who have already faced one cancer diagnosis and are now learning that their primary cancer has recurred or that a secondary cancer has developed, it’s not just shock—it’s an incredibly devastating moment. Many may hear this news all alone during a routine visit or just be told over the phone by their doctors.
Regardless of how they express these feelings when they told the news, they need support at this moment.
How to Support Your Loved One at This Special Moment?
Give Them and Yourself the Space and Time to Process
Both you and your loved one have a lot to process. Give yourselves some space to absorb the news. If they become withdrawn, depressed, distant, or even aggressive, don’t take it personally.
Let Them Feel You Are There to Support Them No Matter What
At this moment, no matter how they react emotionally, the root cause is likely fear and devastation. Your support at this moment is a must have. You can express it verbally by telling them you’re there for them, or simply be present and show support through your actions.Support looks different for each person. The same action that comforts one person might not work for another, or could even have the opposite effect. There’s no single “right” way to support them—only what works best for your loved one.Think about how you would support them when they feel scared, sad, devastated, or even optimistic despite difficulties in their life. Offer support in a way that truly helps them.
If they express hope and optimism, please don’t take it away.
Not everyone knows how to handle a situation like this, and you are not alone. But when a patient shows hope and optimism, try not to overshadow it with worry. I know you are going through this process too, and it’s natural to have concerns. However, when caregivers respond with "What if..." or too much worry, it can unintentionally diminish the patient’s hope.Hope and optimism are important psychological drivers that can help motivate patients to push through this difficult journey. So instead of focusing on fears, acknowledge their hope, be present, and support them along the way.
Hearing the diagnosis is the first step in the cancer journey. As you move through each stage, you’ll need different information and support. You don’t have to navigate this alone—everything you need is here on our website.
Reference
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